Self Regulation…What about you?

I have been thinking a lot about self regulation lately. I really feel that we are a generation who are adults trying to learn to self regulate alongside our kids. How hard is that!? The counsellor that works with both of my boys says to use the term BIG emotions instead of temper tantrum, so my husband and I are rewiring that common phrase that we grew up with and that is only the tip of the iceberg.

In the latest episode of THE Sarah Hofing Podcast, I talk about how hard it was when Chris went into the military almost 10 years ago when our oldest child who is currently 11 had just turned two. I saw how hard it was for him to self regulate when his Dad who had been laid off of a sales job got to be home for 9 months as a primary caregiver and then disappeared to basic training. I cannot imagine what that must have felt like for a two year old. There was some REALLY Big emotions for him. Lots of kicking and yelling to get the energy and anger out that was trapped inside of his little body.

What I struggled with as his Mom was trying to not let MY Big emotions get in the way of supporting his emotions and to push my big emotions aside so that I could help him self regulate when I had no idea how to do this myself.

OH I wish I knew what I know now! I wish I could go back in time and support him the way I would want to now. The way we have developed this awesome groove that is super messy and imperfect but it’s starting to feel better and better every year that we learn and grow as a family. My youngest is so lucky that we are becoming well trained parents and to my oldest, I honestly cry at night wishing I could have done better when I was at a loss for how to support him.

I remember during the kicking and screaming it would last sometimes an hour or two. I was pregnant with my second child with a husband away and living with my parents hoping for extra support but it just caused more tension. You can’t reason with a two year old. You try to talk about feelings and how they are feeling and I tried many times but they are all big emotions and very reactive. I would go online and hope for answers but I would read articles about how I needed to support my child and hold him and be there for him. When you have been kicked, yelled at, spit at and told you are a terrible mom for two hours…. you need a fucking break. I started putting him in his room and letting him kick and throw things in there. I made sure it was safe and I walked away and started to self regulate myself so I could go back in with a calm mind and body and help him.

I never knew how triggering and extremely over stimulating parenting could be. As soon as I walked away to self regulate, I did it in the way that I knew how…with food. I would always find myself in the kitchen. Or as I talk about in the podcast episode about self regulation, one time with a super pregnant belly I remember my husband I gave our oldest time in his room and then went and grabbed the ice cream drumsticks and sat on our porch barely talking and numb from the screaming and kicking we could still hear upstairs. We talked about our strategy for next steps while we ate and soothed ourselves. Eating was a tool that we were taught by our parents through role modelling on how to make ourselves calm and feel better…but it doesn’t really work and actually makes us feel guilt and shame because the intention behind it is to soothe the big emotions.

Fast forward 9 years later and there have been SO many bumps in the road. I am always learning but I am always growing and improving. I WANT to support my kids in the best ways I can. Having three neurodivergent kids, a military husband and my middle child diagnosed with special needs has not been easy. But I know it is my soul contract. I have always dreamed about being a mom and I know that I was given these children for a reason. They picked me for a reason and I am going to rise to the ocassion and hopefully help other Mom’s who feel lost in the process.

First of all, if your child is having these explosive big emotions, you are not alone.

Second of all, having my children go to weekly counselling was one of the best decisions we could have made. If you are local to Victoria, I can put you in contact with someone who we love!

When your child is calm, talk to them about what they need and what they think makes them more calm. What I have noticed is that when the big emotions come, it’s because my kids feel like they have lost control. They are trying to gain it back in a very negative way but they have no idea how. When they feel like they are in control of their plan it’s very interesting when they have the big emotions and remember the conversation that they CHOSE what tools they needed in these situations.

Some self regulating tools we are using right now are; when the big emotions come, guide the child to their bed and wrap them in a burrito with a weighted blanket, helping them feel safe. Grab a cold cloth or ice pack for their forehead, lukewarm or cold shower, fidget toys. These are tools that my oldest has told us when he is calm he wants to implement. So when he is having the big emotions we say to him, would you like to try a cold cloth? Or we guide him to his bad and wrap him in his blanket. We tell him how much we love him and that we will be there when he is ready to talk it out. It gives him the tool and opportunity to self regulate. We can help guide the child but ultimately what we are working on as a family is providing them with the strategies and tools and our goal is for them to feel the big emotions coming and without thinking of to head downstairs and go under the weighted blanket.

We are getting there and it is so great and encouraging to see the progress. I am almost done creating my 10 week course on healthy communication. My husband Chris will be guest starring in these videos and I will let you know as soon as it is ready to go! If I can help families and couples to learn the strategies that we have been working on for the past 10 years and help you in any way, that would make me so happy! Sending you Love & Light.

The doors have opened for the Spiritual Mentor Program! If you want to find out who your authentic self is by mixing psychology and intuition then let’s spend 6 months together making that happen! Set up a free 30 minute discovery call here to see if this is a good fit for you.